OK, I know you really are smart, you’ve had good jobs throughout your life and now you live by a healthy pension, you don’t have to rub it in. But the fact that I had to go to your house to show you where the “@” key is on your keyboard, AFTER EXPLAINING IT AT LEAST 3 TIMES OVER THE PHONE, makes you stupid in my book. Today you told me you just bought an iPod, and that really scares me. It scares me because last month I spent the better part of an hour trying to teach you how to send an e-mail, so by my calculations, I’d have to spend 10 consecutive days with you explaining the mysteries of the iPod, and convincing you that it’s easier to download the songs you already own on vinyl than it is to try to convert your vinyls to mp3.

2. You send me e-mails

Now that you have harnessed the power to forward mails, please remove me from your list. I don’t need mails explaining the risk of breast cancer. I know they are useful, but you know who could find them more useful? Women. I think that the fact that I’m a man kinda reduces the risk of getting breast cancer, you should know, you are a doctor.

3. The car accident

I know that you’ve lived in this city for 8 years, and despite that, you get lost if you travel farther than a 10 block radius. So you promoted your gardener/painter/plumber to a driver, smooth move. You force this man to take you and your 2 stupid dogs for a ride, while he carries a dog in his lap and you carry the other one on yours. OK, not only is that illegal, it’s dangerous. I thought you learned that 2 months ago when your multitasking driver, while trying to quiet the dog, mistook the brake for the accelerator and rammed the car that was in front of you, flipping it over. But apparently you didn’t learn anything, seeing that he keeps driving the same way.

4 -10. Your stupid dogs

Why do I hate them? Well, it kinda disgusts me that I have to refer to them as your “kids”, instead of what they are, filthy, ugly, overweight chihuahuas. I despise the fact that you only feed them milk when there are people in the world dying for water. I hate that you have to feed them hot food STRAIGHT INTO THEIR FILTHY MOUTHS, God forbid they use a plate like regular dogs. I hate them because they sleep in a room with a new couch and a big-ass plasma TV, and that’s just wrong. When I’m talking and they start barking, you do nothing to shut them up. The male one is gay (I don’t have a problem with gay people, but gay dogs freak me out), and it bit my mom.

I’m sure I can think of more reasons why I hate you, but I think my head is about to explode.